Life in the Time of Corona

there's a consensus that time feels different during quarantine. and i'm finding that to be very true. i stay up late and wake up early and still somehow haven't even considered working yet today even though its almost 11am. what was i doing with my morning? the traditions we keep to mark time are sliding past us, even though we've succeeded in celebrating some of them in a changed way. but what i'm actually longing for is being together. last weekend i deeply missed reviving the 15 years of dumb jokes we'd compiled through repeated sloppy banter in detroit. i talked with jonathan about how people talk about some of these events like church, and how it's not actually as if there's a sudden spiritual awakening at the rave, it's actually more like a church where you see people you know, year after year. some things stay just the same and it's a comfort, and it feels like community. i used to delay actually playing music at bad moves practice every ...

it's summer y'all. it's where good things happen. i just want to record my weekend because it's the first time the weather really made us all sweat this year and it felt like real life, and at some moments even better than how life used to be.  i put on headphones and short shorts and listened to some favorite disco songs on the walk down kennedy street to bob and rob's house. i was kind of dancing at a stoplight, waving my hands around, and a guy in a car just smiled really big and said "yeah!" in this supportive way.  i sat on their porch as bob showed me all the grading he'd done on the side of the house to make a stone path and mulch some gardens. they watered a tree they'd planted by the sidewalk. afterward, i sat out in the back of meredith's house and chatted while the other housemates were scattered around on happy hour phonedates with friends. katie came out in a blazer because they were being interviewed on meet the press! we talked a...

It's weird, being trapped outside of your normal life and patterns. It makes you feel apart. But today, I realized, I am feeling more connected to DC, specifically my neighborhood, than ever. Part is the free food thing. People stop to get food, but I try to leave them alone. Even more people just say really nice things to me. Today a woman asked if I could help ID people for a kinda specific grant she needs to spend this month. When I told her my work email, she was like, DC JWJ, I helped bring JWJ to DC. A few days ago, a man stopped and ate a clementine while talking to me. I had a hard time understanding his Spanish, but he was clearly sad, and I think was telling me about people he'd lost recently. I wished I could connect better, but I just listened. I had a similarly hard time with the women I'm dropping the milk off with. The milk delivery is fine, but I tried to make small talk for like an hour on mother's day while we waited for people to come by. And betwee...

Emma just texted me like, yo, me and Sam and Falcon wrote stuff on the blog, are you gonna write stuff on the blog? Shit, the blog! I hadn't exactly forgotten it, but it's been a truly weird past ten days. So, I was happy to be reminded of it. And anyway I was just sitting here wondering, what should I do? So now I know. Write a blog post. Last Thursday I had surgery to remove an ovarian cyst, and the ovary along with it, and the fallopian tube (why not), and also the other fallopian tube on the other side (cause it had been wrecked for a while and was gathering fluid and the docs just wanted it out of there). This was all very routine, my super kind and competent-seeming gynecological surgeon assured me. And it was short: arrive at the hospital at 5:30 AM, surgery at 7:30, recover for a couple hours, out of there by noon. But it was pretty intense. I'd never been put under before, or opened up before. And it takes the bod a while to recover. The pain has never been bad:...

Before the virus, I had started a "gratitude journal" on my phone. I searched for one whose design wasn't too over the top cheesy and figured it couldn't hurt to be feeling thankful more often. It ended up that I was almost always just writing that I thankful for people: that they fed me, that they listened to me, that they made me laugh.  I stopped writing when shit went down. Things were really hard those first couple weeks and writing in this blog seemed to be a similar outlet for my feelings.  In March I just didn't have it in me to feel good yet, not about the things in my life that were going well, and not for anyone else who seemed to be coping better. I was working with our members who have to go to work every day and of course I was thankful for the fact that I felt safe at home, but once the first weeks rolled on with no end in sight, I felt pretty dark.  But I'm grateful that it's changing. I've found myself talking about the things that hav...

I had a pretty good couple weeks. My routines are working, Riley’s doing great, and I stayed busy with all the small everyday things involved in my covid-stay-at-home-mom life. Last week, with no prompting from Jon and me, Riley decided to start sleeping in his own bed. He’s been sleeping in our bed his whole life, and we’ve talked for a long time about transitioning him to sleeping there, but we were planning to tackle potty-training first. As usual, Riley was on his own schedule and decided this was happening. It’s nice to have our bed back and get more time alone, but it also means he’s waking up at least 2 times a night crying for me. After over a week of being woken up 2-3 times a night, I’m a little wrecked. I remember this feeling from when he was younger. It’s harder to stay level, everything feels close to the surface. I felt shitty already today, and then read another article about possibilities for what school will look like next year (one day in school + 4 days re...

My new normal is frequently vacillating between being totally fine and a constant mess of tears. I've found myself making lists and workplans for my weeks at home, things to cook, ideas for things to do with Riley, things we're running out of and need to restock, etc. Here's a bunch of lists about my new life There are things about this new life that I’m genuinely enjoying: Not working/only doing reproductive labor Spending tons of sweet quality time with Riley and Jon   So much cooking and baking (I’ve made every meal and baked good we’ve eaten for almost two months except for a couple times a week or so that Jon cooks a big pot of chili or jambalaya or beans) Time for gardening Hanging out in the yard with Riley everyday   Actually keeping my house reasonably clean and functional despite all 3 of us being home constantly Taking long walks around the neighborhood Talking to my friends and family in California more often Riley randomly decided to start sl...

The thing is, when you're working in a pandemic, you get to work with the best people. Because everyone you're working with is rising to the occasion. I feel like that as we try to get the Events DC money out the door. Everyone in this project is a service provider who just really wants the money to get to undocumented people, they're talking thru how to make it the most easy, figuring out how to say yes to something totally new, and honestly, very unformed. The woman I drop the milk off to is the best, she's working with 20 moms in a moms group in her building and nearby and trying to keep them all fed and in their homes. When I was buying the milk the first time in bulk someone asked me if I was the person giving out food in my yard (yes), he offered to help buy the milk, which I declined. He's the best. My staff is the best. One coworker and her mom made 500 cloth masks this weekend. One is a weekly food hub for the mutual aid network. All these folks I...

I had a hard day today. I woke up from a night of anxiety dreams. It's Sunday, and I had spent a few minutes before going to bed last night making a list of things I needed to do for work this weekend. But that's really no excuse for hour on hour of restless sleep, waking up and refalling asleep hoping I won't be in the same scenario, but inevitably I was. I tried retail therapy. I spent a good amount of time and money at both the Takoma farmers market and Ace. I enjoyed the activity of then filling all the pots I bought with the dirt and plants I bought, while playing pop music through my yard. But I wasn't happy, or content. Just pretty sad. I appreciate my neighbors, who knowing I give out food are really friendly and say supportive things to me all the time, which is really amazing. And my friends, many of whom came over after I put out a forlorn APB. I had a great day yesterday, when a few of us went thru the hole in the fence to the amphitheater at Carter Ba...

wear a sweater over the shirt you slept in on video calls wear black or a sweater if you're not going to wear a bra eat a vegetable every day go outside everyday ideally, walk when you are outside  do a "mic check" on yourself before your first phone call of the day, especially if doing it from bed leave your bed before starting your first video call brush your teeth at least once every 24 hours do not schedule too much work for yourself create rules for what counts as drinking alone (movie? not alone. sitting on your porch? not alone) and limit drinks alone drink enough water, turns out that one's always true do not shame yourself for failing to follow any rules except #6

I haven't written here in almost a month. I feel like a lot of things have changed but I'm not sure where to begin. My spirits seem to be mostly up these days, and it's partially because my health is all better and the weather is warmer. I got a covid test and it was negative and that did wonders for me, because I mostly stopped feeling dread and worry I was infecting other people.  Also, I recovered: I can dance around my house now and I can take bike rides and all of that feels really good. I've been saying that it's like my brain had been hoarding serotonin for the past few weeks and now if I feel a warm breeze on my arm I get a rush of pleasure. I always feel a little euphoric in spring, knowing that summer is coming and I'll be able to sweat out some of the internal winter anxieties.  I've been busying myself with little projects, which feel achievable and good to accomplish, always making sure something is on the back burner: elaborate cooking projects...

Today, after many false starts at ending my work day, I put on my sweats and went for a "run." Turns out you're supposed to move your body even in a pandemic and your anxiety is weird and you're tired all the time. It was like 7 pm, and I jogged/walked/sprinted to an upbeat Spotify playlist. I got to the Takoma Rec. Once there, I stopped pretending to run, and walked around. The classroom trailers that had been there were gone, and I walked around it from the new angle, checking out the pretty landscaping by the school. As I walked past the rec, the familiar smell of chlorine wafted from the indoor pool, despite the fact that the whole thing had been closed for over a month and a half. I moseyed a little bit more around the sprawling public space, and eventually stopped pretending I was exercising, leaned against a tree, and stretched, switching to a new podcast about Apollo 13. Then I literally stared at the branches and the leaves of the trees for an indefinite pe...