A Vax on Both Your Houses

 I know that title is bad. 

I know we are supposed to be all posi about the vax, and not share negative stuff, cuz we need people to believe and do it and get herd immunity, and be able to open restaurants, and have orgies, and swim in public pools again. 

But I'm not feeling posi, I'm feeling tired. 

Today I was supposed to get the J&J vax. I had my own reasons for wanting that one, that I won't go into, but like pretty much everything I do and don't put into my body right now is about being knocked up, and my own feelings about risk, decisions, etc. At some time before I woke up, the CDC decided 7 people of 6 million was too many people getting blood clots and cancelled them till further notice. When I called the Walgreens at 9:00 AM they didn't have a plan, told me it was my choice. When I showed up at 12:45 they told me no. Unlike my confirmation, they could not be bothered to email me. 

In the intervening hours I stressed a lot. Talked to a lot of people. The works. 

I thought a lot about the relative risks of clots compared to driving while facilitating a work meeting that I did on the way to the Walgreens (definitely higher than the .00007 chance of a clot I calculated based on only younger women getting clots). Let alone the risk of getting the vaccine v. going to the grocery store in only one mask once a week. Of the risk to myself or others when I spent 5 hours at a car dealership, or when my unmasked nieces came inside my well ventilated house to see the cats, the drum set, and my office (their points of interest). 

And while you're pregnant all kinds of things become dangerous. You can kill your baby by gardening, eating a salami sandwich, falling down the stairs (I love + I love + I don't love but have done twice in two years). 

And I was both stressed that I felt like I needed to make this decision myself, and feel like my decision was taken away by the CDC. I'm not an anti vaxer, and I'm probably more big govt than an anarchist. But all this year relies so much on personal assessment, personal responsibility. But of course the two things you're supposed to trust is some things (but not all ie masks) coming from the CDC, and of course giant corporations who the US paid more than undocumented folks who they forced to work in meat packing plants. 

Despite the many months of processing and feeling like I knew what I wanted, I have pivoted and will get a first Moderna shot tomorrow. 

It's also not lost on me that now I am 6 weeks rather than 2 weeks from being able to fly, hug my sisters, have sex, or whatever else it was I imagined doing. That the aspired liberation is still far away. 

I feel like I'm moving too fast and too slow. Like the bigger the baby is the safer the vax feels. But also behind, like how much I desperately want normal human connection. And how much I want to lower the number of decisions regarding my basic safety that I can. And I know I could have taken an appointment when offered a month ago. Or I could have gone to FEMA a week ago. And I'm in the same place - facing a shot likely to give me a fever while I am growing an invisible human -  but with more stressy days of trying to make the right decision.

It's 2:54 pm. I've had a day. I'm going to take a nap.